I like the kind of leadership that’s about moment-to-moment dynamics that groups enter into for the good of everyone.1 A leader in these dynamics provides a group with a frame2/direction, creating structure for people to play in.3
When I’m in high spirits, I find this kind of leadership easy to step into. It’s way harder to lead in a group-empowering way when I feel down. When I feel sad, deprived,4 or otherwise impaired, I sometimes reach for a strong frame as a way to protect myself.
Pretending to be strong feels safe. It also blocks the support and comfort I need. And when I go into a strong frame to protect myself, the dynamic is not really about empowering the group anymore.
Back at borderland, I experienced navigating the world in a fragile state.5 The day after the events in this post, I was dead tired. Unfortunately, there were tasks left to do. I was supposed to bring some sweat-lodge blankets back to their rightful owner. As such, I wanted the sweatlodge deconstructed, and the blankets put in my car. So I said “I’m really tired and need help. I’d like to deconstruct the sweatlodge so I can pack the blankets. I’m too tired to help out, I can’t even help coordinate things.”
6-7 people immediately came to my help, and the deconstruction went super smoothly. Normally, I’d gone in with more energy, directing rather than asking for help. Something like this: “Okay, so we need to disassemble the sweat lodge. I need a least 4 people, is there anyone that wants to help out?”
I’m pretty sure the response would’ve been way less enthusiastic. This makes sense to me: if I am in need of help, I guess most people want to help from a strong “I-am-a-helper” kind of role. When I push my need under the rug and go into a directing/controlling frame, I “block” the other people from going into the helper role.6 This leads to a weird mixed-signals situation where the other person needs to:
Help with the task at hand
Pretend that the help isn’t needed. (emotional labor)
Given this experience, I’ve decided to work on being more status-fluid.
Status-fluidity
I want to be able to navigate social spaces from positions of strength, and from positions of weakness. I want to be comfortable relating to people regardless of whether I have energy and strength, decoupling status-dynamics from emotional safety nets.
I’ve held an unspoken idea that I need to be strong in order to have realiable access to intimacy and emotional support. I want to let go of that, reject the fear of scaricity, and trust that my relations can handle fluidity.
When I’m happy, I want to use my strong frame to shape group norms into becoming more supportive. Using stregth to make it easier to be fragile.7
By opening up about being frail and insecure, I can open up social spaces for that kind of authenticity. This way I increase the dynamic range of allowed emotional states in the groups I influence.
By being status-fluid, I can adjust the way I interact with others in order to fit the situation. When I feel frail I can act frail. When I feel superb, I can act superb. I want everyone to be comfortable being both ridiculously happy and energetic, as well as opening up about frailty and insecurity.8
[…]
And some meta-analysis
I’m noticing a general pattern where I’m letting go of fixation, and instead embrace fluidity and the ability to adapt dynamically to the given situation.
It’s easy to divide things into good and bad, and then push yourself towards or away from the thing. Relating to reality in this way is limiting, obscuring the fact that most things are situational.
I’ve changed a lot as a person in the last couple of years. In the process, I’ve gotten out of stuckness9, escaping from patterns that didn’t serve me.10 Many times, I've realized that the things I escaped from can be useful, given the right context and approach.
To make things concrete:
I stopped being Christian, and turned hardcore atheist, detesting anything with a spiritual vibe. I’m still an ontological naturalist, but I’ve also started liking rituals and self-development through hippie activities.
I stopped using sex for feeling powerful/social validation and turned to being-mode sex (“having sex with” rather than “doing things to”). I then realized sexual power play is fun.
I tried to safeguard my social support by adopting a strong frame. (never again shall I be lonely!) I then decided to work on status fluidity.
I rejected masculinity for “tribal” radical feminist reasons. Then I started embracing parts of myself that are seen as masculine. Then I got confused and decided to try adapting my behaviour to fit the situation.
This is an interesting meta-pattern. It makes me want to explore other areas in life where I’m very opinionated about one thing being optimal. Maybe there’s a way to reintegrate parts of myself that I’m pushing away? Maybe it’s possible to find an “and/or” acceptance of paradox, resolving apparent contradictions?
For each bad habit, how does it serve me? For each virtue, in what context can it be bad?
And let’s not fixate this pattern either. I’m sure there are times when fluidity isn’t optimal. Don’t drink and drive. Unless you need to save someone’s life. Maybe.
At least people like it when I do this.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned “frame”/”frame-control” before. A frame is the “background assumption” about what kind of social space you’re in. Like when you talk to a stranger, and they start talking about Jesus. Then you go from “oh a nice person to talk to” to “I am getting missionaried, help” A frame shift.
Frames are cocreated to some degree, but it’s possible to shift it if you know what’s up. This is mostly talked about in business/pua circles. I think the concept has a lot of potential, and find it sad that it’s moslty talked about as a way to OUT-ALPHA THE OTHER MEN. (don’t google it)
This structure can be very loose, such as reminding people that they have agency and the power of self-reorientation.
no, not depraved. Deprived, as in feeling a sense of lack. Scarcity mode go.
Though I guess my frame was still kind of strong.
Given that there’s a strong anti-weakness norm embedded in normative masculinity I guess I’m not alone. Just for fun, I’m going to analyze this norm.
I see three factors leading up to the not-showing-weakness norm:
Women in general have a slight preference for strong/dominant men.
Men in general want to be more attractive than their competitors in the sexual sphere.
One-upmanship, with men developing stronger and stronger dominance tendencies, or at least signaling such.
Loop this around for a few generations, and you can reach some absurd patterns. Gladly attractiveness norms are changing to some degree, and people are realizing that countersignalling is a thing.
I’m not advocating turning groups into imbalanced therapy groups unless explicitly agreed. Mainly I want everyone to be able to have a bad day.
Breaking the jante spell
Might be hard to go straight from stuckness to fluidity. Maybe the move away from stuckness is a prerequisite? Like escaping a gravity well.
Such a hippie sentence :D
Thanks for your post! I would really like to hear more of your transition from Christian to die-hard atheist and then to becoming interested in rituals, spiritual stuff - as I had/still am in the same process...