Queer prescription-avoidance
Adventures in the margins of gender
Some time ago, again at Borderland1, I attended a circling2 workshop while in a rather suggestive/open minded state.3 A woman attending the workshop sat with another woman in her lap, stroking her softly.
This was remarked upon by a third woman. She shared that she felt she was lacking in femininity, and wished she was capable of being as soft and strokey as the woman she observed. I sat silently, not wanting to interrupt. The interaction consisted of three women talking about femininity, after all.
But inside me, thoughts and emotions whirled about.
“Is stroking someone softly a feminine thing to do?
I like stroking people very softly. Is that feminine?
…I also like biting people4, is that masculine?”
[…]
“What the fuck are gender norms?”
Prescriptive vs Descriptive
Context/Interlude
In general, I try to be mindful of the way labels shape me. It’s common to think of labels (such as socialist, scared-of-heights, connoisseur) as merely descriptive. In the descriptive conception of labels, labels are treated as mere shorthands, a way to succinctly transfer information.
What’s missed here is the way labels shape you. This is the prescriptive perspective of labels. In this perspective, labels are something you “grow into”. This doesn’t always happen,5 but there’s always a risk of labels becoming prescriptive. And when that happens, you might have grown attached enough not to let the label go.
Putting on the prescriptive glasses6, we can see how different labels create implicit limits, expectations and behaviour. Given the ever-changing nature of our cultural environment, adopting labels from the past makes less and less sense. There are risks of getting stuck in a shape that rapidly gets obsolete, and there’s a huge risk of conflicting connotations causing conflict.
A concrete way I’ve adopted label-mindfulness is by self-defining as a relationship anarchist.7 Relationship anarchy is a kind of polyamory, where I avoid labelling relationships. If I feel like kissing a person I’ve mostly been friendly with, I ask if they’re up for it. If I have sex with someone, call them on the phone regularly etc, I resist the temptation of labelling it as a partnership. Labelling it as a partnership brings about the risk of complacency, taking it for granted rather than keeping it fresh. It also risks creating unexamined expectations8, or lead to staying in something unhealthy due to sunk cost fallacy.
I’ve thought about adopting gender/sexual-orientation-related queerness labels for pretty much the same reason. I don’t want prescriptive labels to control my gender expression nor my sexual orientation. But my budding queerness has always been a conceptual thing. “Hmm, this makes sense” rather than “What the fuck are gender norms?”.
After the circling workshop, I went to meet a couple of friends that are highly norm-nonconforming. I sat down next to one of them and told him what I’d been up to. From outside my field of vision, a voice spoke up:
“That’s interesting”9
I turned my head and noticed that I had sat down next to a supremely androgynous person.10 We started talking about gender, identity, dysphoria, and euphoria11. I felt a deep sense of sorrow for the people exploring this territory out of necessity rather than lifestyle optimization.
[…]
After a brief detour,12 I found myself wandering the playa13 looking for the next thing to pop up. I saw a couple of people sitting around, and asked them what they were up to. They were waiting for “the five senses” workshop, where you get blindfolded and have people stimulate your senses in non-sexual ways.14
I asked the group whether this was a partnered thing, and they didn’t know. So I casually asked around if anyone would like to partner with me. Normally, I’d be afraid of doing this due to masculine status concerns.15 But in my gender-aphoric state, I didn’t give a fuck.
Though come to think of it, I usually go into not-giving-a-fuck-mode when I’m at burns, so I’m not sure how much the gender-aporia impacted the situation. But it makes for a better story, so let’s pretend I didn’t just go meta while expressing uncertainty.16
Regarding meta: I might make a post on meta communication. Or banter and OODA loops. Or felt-sense fragility-empathy. OR NOTHING.
There’s been quite a lot going on lately, let’s see what feels alive when the time comes.
Ciao.
Thursday! We’re back one day from my last post. Inverse chronological blogging, FILO.
Circling is a way of communicating that allows for deep introspective and interpersonal connection. It’s a highly mindful way of communicating, where the topic of the conversation is the interaction itself. A hyper-social mindfulness practice.
Intoxication level unspecified for political reasons.
It’s only rude if you don’t ask first.
Seems more common when there are hierarchical inter-group signalling competitions, or when the label is connected to safety or other basic needs. Signalling competition: “I’m much more manly than you are”, safety: “I am a man, otherwise my friends might ostracise me”
Not prescription glasses, that’s something different
A label I wish to grow into, and have picked conscientiously.
Such as non-stated assumptions about the regularity of contact, meeting the family, romantic undertones, sexual/emotional exclusivity etc. It’s of course possible to be proactive about this and regularly re-communicate about fluctuating preferences, but I think it’s easy to get complacent and fall back on normative assumptions & relationship structures
paraphrased
Burns are great for a subjective sense of increased synchronicity. I’m pretty sure it’s due to increased exposure to random events, but damn, it’s also super cool.
gender euphoria that is
I went to observe a social skills workshop, led by a really American guy. Very goal-oriented, pep-talky etc, felt a bit like being at a military boot camp with an unusually friendly sergeant. I dropped out midway due to him insisting on people standing in the hot sun. Got to take care of the thermals.
I know, I know. The restriction is a bit boring. But it was still very nice. After I put on a blindfold, I got fed apple chunks, had people caressing my legs with vibrating stuff, cloth and pinecones; I got to smell a bunch of fragrances and had ice dragged along my body. I later got a compliment on how expressive I was, easy to go into vicarious enjoyment with.
After this, I’ve started to:
Tell people that I’m happy to be touched, as long as it’s not abrupt, and that I’m good with boundaries and will say no to things I don’t like.
Be really expressive in my enjoyment of the touch, making people want to touch me more.
I only think explicitly about status some of the time. The hesitation described here is more of an instinctual thing.
Did you notice that I went meta-meta there? And meta-meta-meta here?
[…]
Hold your horses, we’re headed into infinite regress!