Sexual development

Part 1 of ?

I had minimal contact with my feelings up until 3 years ago. Up until that point, I moved through the social sphere using conceptual frameworks¹ and trained action patterns.² It’s hard to socialize without emotions serving as a basis for intuition.

For a long time, I lacked sexual agency. I had two long-term relationships and a few sexual encounters, but all of them felt more like “lucky encounters” than me knowingly “picking someone up” (for lack of a better phrase). I think part of the reason for this state of affairs³ was my instrumental attitude towards sex.

I wanted to be romantically and sexually “successful”. Not because of romance and sex in themselves, but rather because I wanted to be the kind of man that was romantically and sexually successful. Romantic and sexual success was a proxy for being esteemed, socially skilled, and having loads of prestige.

Which, ironically, is a very unsexy reason to seek intimacy. Women⁴ could tell when I approached them for instrumental reasons.⁵ And I barely approached anyone, seeing as I don’t like the normative flirting contexts (=night clubs/bars)⁶. I theoretically knew that it was possible to flirt with people outside of the socially-approved areas, but I was afraid of overstepping someone’s comfort zone. I knew that I lacked atunement and didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.

Or at least that was what I told myself. Internally, my wish to be a socially successful person was in conflict with a deep fear that I wasn’t. Using the ally card was a good way to self-deceive, turning my weakness into a strength.⁷

Most of my previous sexual connections happened when great conversation lead to an intellectual enthusiasm strong enough to forget about prestige. Or when the other person did most of the work⁸, which is tricky given cultural norms surrounding men taking initiative.⁹

Subjectively, this felt like sex randomly falling into my lap,¹⁰ but I felt powerless to impact the development of events in any way. I tried reading up on seduction/flirting tips,¹¹ but I think they were mostly targeted towards people with basic social intuition and some emotional awareness.

And then, a few things happened.

First: Awakening from the meaning crisis

Awakening from the meaning crisis is a lecture series on youtube. You should watch it. In the series, cogsci researcher/philosopher John Vervaeke talks about recapturing meaning in a world where god is dead. It builds an understanding of how humans make sense of the world, how we relate to things, and the history of the cognitive and spiritual development of mankind. It proceeds to analyze how meaning works, and why religions have helped with meaning. Finally, it lays out a path towards generating new cognitive meaning-making machinery, without all of the ontological baggage.

I learned a lot about meaning, philosophy and how humans work. I also learned that I had a fundamental problem in the way I related to sexuality.

A bit into the series, Vervaeke tells the story of Siddhārtha Gautama, the Buddha. In the story, Siddhārtha’s father gets informed that Siddhārtha will either be a great king, or a great spiritual leader. Given his succession-related preferences, the king then went on to hide suffering from the poor impressionable boy.

Siddhārtha is raised in luxury, in a palace, where he is protected from the ills of the world. Then he fucks up the kings’ succession plans by going out into the world, seeing suffering, and doing the whole Buddhist thing.

Vervaeke uses this story to illustrate the difference between "the having mode" and "the being mode".¹² In the having mode, represented by the palace, life is about accumulating wealth, security/protection and changing the world to fit your preferences.

In the being mode, on the other hand, you expose yourself to the world. It’s about connecting to the world, and going into a relationship of mutual change. When you are in the being mode, you are changed as you go about changing the world.

Some having-mode terms: manage, handle, adjust, solve, investigate, curious.

Some being-mode terms: engage, partake, adjust to, experience, explore, wonder.

When hearing this story about Siddhārtha Gautama, I realized that my sexuality was stuck in the having mode.¹³ That I had been, on some level, treating it as a game, something to "succeed at".¹⁴ This realization saddened me, and I decided that I wanted to change.

And then…

Second: Radical Honesty

Somewhere around here¹⁵ I read a book that changed my life.¹⁶ I'm talking about "Radical Honesty" by Brad Blanton. You should read this book.

After reading this book, I decided to become more transparent. I started sharing the things that went on in my head and had conversations about the gridlock that was my sexual agency. Going from suppressing to sharing made things way more tangible, and therefore actionable.

I started interviewing friends and acquaintances about their sexual neuroses¹⁷. I got the impression that a lot of sexual encounters were about prestige. Either being successful at getting sexual partners, or being affirmed by someone’s interest in you.¹⁸ People had sex because they wanted to be seen, and people were afraid of talking about sex with their partners. Dirty talk was seen as really awkward and hard to approach, something I think indicates a lack of comfort in connecting/being authentic during sex.

Sexuality and sexual norms seem to be a mess, basically.

And then…

Third: Looking for advice

I then went looking for inspiration. I started by reading books. One by an author that is really into women, the experience of connecting with them etc. One by an author that had a VERY straight-on approach to flirting, to a degree not fit for the Swedish cultural context.¹⁹ Both require a few pinches of salt before digesting. I have adopted perspectives from both, which was very helpful, especially when getting started.

Then I signed up for philosophical coaching, with Peter Limberg. I told him the backstory you’ve read this far, and I also told him that I’d started thinking about what kind of women²⁰ might be interested in me. He turned the question on its head, and asked me:

“What kind of women are you interested in?”²¹

I closed my eyes, felt into myself, and answered that I want to connect with women I can talk to about everything, that are comfortable with their sexuality and open to experimenting and exploring.²²

"Where can you find such women?"²³

I had a sense I could find such people in the tantra community and similar.²⁴

Fourth: Time for some process optimization

Given my recently increased connection with my feelings, I was more aware of rising attraction and sexual energy.²⁵ Given my stoic inclinations, I wanted to optimize for something that was “up to me”.

So I decided to go all-in honesty, and committed to “share all feelings of attraction, horniness, infatuation and love with the person that is the focus of the feeling”. To make this doable, I decided to stop caring about being smooth. Sharing openly AND being smooth is really hard.

Besides, being smooth was not in my control, since this is a hypothetical value judgement from the person I was interacting with, rather than an attribute of myself. Furthermore, the goal was not to get laid. The goal was to become more comfortable expressing sexual/romantic interest. Openly sharing my interest = success.

My priority list went something like this:

1. Tell the person

2. Make sure the person feels safe

[…]

∞. Be smooth

I started doing this retroactively, since retroactive honesty is easier than being honest about things happening RIGHT NOW. By not pressuring myself to be smooth, I could take my time to be super-careful not to appear threatening. I was overly careful, but that was what I needed to feel comfortable doing it.

One of the first instances sounded something like this:

“Okay, before I say this I want you to know that I don’t have ulterior motives. I’m going to be very honest in order to become more comfortable with myself, and I don’t want or need you to act or respond in any specific way. Ok?”

“Uuuh, sure?”

“Last week when you held that presentation,²⁶ I found you very attractive. You seemed to really know what you very doing and it was totally hot."

I then held my breath, waiting for the reaction. Had I hurt her?

She said: “Oh, thank you!”

Fifth: Once we get going…

It all snowballed from here. I told a woman friend that I had fallen in love with her. I told a male friend that I had fallen in love with him. I started expressing appreciation for the beauty of people, their eyes, their muscles, or their laughter.

Over time, I started being able to express attraction in real-time, without setting up context and excusing myself in advance. Turns out most people enjoy earnest appreciation, regardless of whether the attraction is reciprocal.

And it turns out smoothness comes automatically when I try to express my experience in detail. I told a person the following:

“When you came in, I felt warm and happy inside. Your face was shining radiantly, and I felt like the sun had risen for a second time.”²⁷

When I tell people about this line, they tend to ask me if we got married. The answer is “no”.²⁸

Six: Expressing wants

It was somewhere around here I started expressing what I wanted. I was at a burn and met my lover-to-be. We met and talked a bit, and then I told her that I’d like to go aside and explore intimacy. Off we went and started to cuddle and stroke each other’s chests/bellies in a sensual way.²⁹

When she started kissing me down towards my belly and then back up, I told her:

“When you kiss me like that I get horny and start thinking about you giving me a blowjob”³⁰

1. I’m rather good at impro theatre, go figure. Also, I seem to see social things others do not.

2. Flirting is almost impossible to keep in your head. In order to flirt properly, you must make sure that the other person knows that you are noticing the way they react to your actions, and furthermore you must make sure that the other person knows that you respond/adjust your behaviour based on the way they react to the things you do. That’s like 3-4 levels of theory of mind.

3. heh

4. Remember, this is way back before I started getting fabulous. (Though I must admit that my intimate explorations with masculine-coded people haven’t been that extensive)

5. The times I did manage to connect in intimate ways always started with me being enthusiastically into someone. Except once when it just kind of happened. I think I stumbled into being flirty, suggesting we share a bed at a party. I even explicitly said that I was very good at not going into erotic stuff, and would only sleep, not getting touchy-feely. I guess she thought I implied something.

6. How do you talk to someone if the only way to converse is by screaming into their ears? Start smoking? Focus on vibes rather than content? Preposterous.

7. Basically slave moral. (Interesting concept, but I’m torn about the connotations)

8. I flirted with a german girl. Went and visited. We laid in bed and cuddled a bit. Things dragged out until she said: “So, are you going to fuck me or what?”

9. Still a thing. I come/came across as very self-assured and initiative-rich, which has lead to a lot of people expecting me to make the first move. This is all very heteronormative, but such things die hard.

10. sometimes literally

11. Yes, pick up artistry. Not all bad, it’s a diverse movement. Parts are horrendous, but come on, this is the internet. Can recommend this for an overview.

12. This has laid unread on my kindle ever since: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/25490.To_Have_or_to_Be_The_Nature_of_the_Psyche.

13. With long-term partners, this was expressed mostly in a sense of scarcity. I was afraid of asking for what I wanted because I was afraid to “break the spell”.

14. Some having mode can be nice. A kind of dynamic where one person goes into a mild form of predator “I want to do things to you” vibe.

This, of course, requires trust. And while it’s all about ravaging on one layer of the interaction, on another layer, there’s a mutual enthusiasm and shared understanding.

Maybe I need to write a more extensive piece on power play…

15. Is it bad that I can’t be sure about strict chronology for something that happened about 1.5 years ago? No, it’s perfect! This way I can rearrange things in a nice narrative structure.

16. I’ve read a couple of thousand books, and this is easily in the top 5 as measured in life impact. Together with antifragile, nonviolent communication, the enchiridion of Epiktetus, and the sequences.

17. A term I’m using to refer to “behavioral patterns picked up as a way to handle a shitty situation, that is now hard to relinquish, even after the shitty situation is over”.

18. I’ll leave gender assignment as an exercise to the reader.

19. Sharing that I read these books was surprisingly hard. I think I am anxious about being judged for it.

20. Still heteronormative, sorry.

21. Badass question.

22. I was vary of all the neurotic ways people in general relate to sex.

23. Also a very good question.

24. This was very correct. Absurdly correct.

25. Hippie language for horniness. Trade secret.

26. social philosophy club

27. Said very earnestly, because it was what I’d actually felt.

28. She was a colleague. I asked for consent before I said this. There had been some signals that I misinterpreted, so it wasn’t out of the blue. We’re still on friendly terms, no harm done :)

29. We took turns with timers, like proper aspies.

30. It went okay. And now that I read the line I realize it’s in standard NVC format. Yay.