Emotional Labor
A quick note
A few years ago I read a thread on emotional labor.1 Emotional labor is all the work needed for social/homely things to function. The practical parts involve things like keeping track of appointments, cleaning the dishes, picking up stuff left out of place2, and similar.
There are also social/emotional aspects, such as getting in touch frequently-ish, connecting with people on special occasions, making sure your friends feel valued and seen, and doing emotional support when needed.
Historically, a lot of this work has fallen on women. Currently, a lot of this work falls on women. It’s like most people born with vaginas are put through geisha school when raised, expected to help out keeping social environments working. Men, on the other side, don’t have the same expectations.3
As people note in the thread, this creates a situation where women are burdened, and men become fragile, often relying on their partners for emotional development and social networking. Lose-lose.
I’m writing this post because I repeatedly get reminded of this imbalance. I went to a party yesterday where we collaborated on some practicalities, including chopping fruit for fondue, making dinner, and cleaning up afterward. This was representative of a lot of other similar scenarios. Besides me, only women helped out.4
So yeah, read the pdf. It might give you perspective on things. Even if you think you’re already on top of this, I suggest taking 15min and giving it a shot. Maybe there’s stuff in there you haven’t thought about yet.
P.S: There are most likely unknown unknowns of emotional labor that I haven’t realized yet. I’m not losing sleep on it, but if anyone has feedback it’s very welcome.5
After my partner (raised as a girl) recommended it. The same partner that suggested I go to a cuddle party, gave me recommendations for emotional management and told me that it was important that I acquired my own social support network instead of relying on them. So yeah, I’m a child of my time. The only reason I’m doing more of the emotional labor is that my partner did a ton of emotional labor to get me more self-reliant. Thank you for that.
MOOP!
I’m writing this while on the bus. The Bus driver just said “My name is Lars Börje, also known as ‘Bulan’”. Then he did some information and then re-introduced himself in the same way. I don’t know why, but it cracked me up.
It might not be literally true that the other men did nothing. Might have been someone helping carry dishes back in or similar. But I didn’t see one instance of it that I remember, while the women swirled around making sure everything was functioning.
…I saw one guy giving a massage to a woman as she was doing kitchen work if that counts.
Ironic, because feedback is yet another form of emotional labor. At least I can promise I won’t require emotional support or a particular diplomatic tone of voice in order to be receptive.