Self-Expression and Dominance
What do I want?
Post Summary: Exploring assertiveness and asking for what I want in a power play workshop. A mindful exploration of group dynamics, consent and BDSM. Personal empowerment instead of people pleasing and social anxiety.
Content Warning: Sex, Violence, Dominance and Stoicism.
I’ve included consent negotiations, if you want to know more about my take on consent, look here:
I went to a burn over New Year’s, got myself into an emotionally open and susceptible state, and stumbled into a dominance workshop.1 After confirming that it was okay for me to jump in, I was instructed to find a partner. I matched with a woman I barely knew and was instructed to stand face to face, making eye contact.
The workshop host then said:
“The first person who feels an impulse to kneel should go down on their knees”
I looked into the woman’s eyes. She looked back.2
After some moments, she kneeled.
Workshop host: “Look at the person in front of you. Do you want to touch them? Do you want to rearrange their posture?”
I stroked her hair, tilting her head to expose her neck. I felt calm and decisive.
Workshop host: “Remember that you are not a Tyrant. You are a powerful being who cares for your person.”3
I felt a powerful rush of energy. I looked down on my obedient subject, feeling grand and mighty.4
[…]
After the workshop, most of the participants stayed and formed a cuddle puddle.5 I was lying next to the woman I paired up with earlier, analyzing dominance dynamics together.6 I felt a pull to continue exploring dominance. I tried feeling into what I wanted to do in particular, but nothing arose.
Having a concrete suggestion would have made things easier, allowing me to channel the group focus in a certain direction.7 Normally, I would have shut up at this point, staying undecided. Thankfully, I was in a dominant state of mind and didn’t give a fuck.
Me: “I want to continue exploring dominance.”
Her: “Do you have a proposal?”
Me: “Nope, just checking interest!”
Luckily, I wasn’t the only one. The workshop host was still there, got enthusiastic, and asked around if more people were interested. They were.
I turned to my dear subject8 and told her I wanted to start easy by grabbing her arms and squeezing hard.9 She agreed, and I went at it. She told me it felt like a massage. Then I told her that I wanted to bite her. She was enthusiastic.
At this point, another man interjected. He asked her a question I didn’t pick up on - I just reacted to the interruption. I turned to him and said: “I am just about to bite her” with a quite territorial demeanour.10
He apologized, saying that he wanted to ask her first, but also wanted to check in with me. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he repeated his proposal: sitting behind her, holding her.
I took a moment to feel into this suggestion and then agreed, suggesting he constrain her by fixating her arms by her sides while I bite her. Both of them happily agreed.
[…]
Sometime later, I heard someone from across the room talking about biting.11 I got up, moved over, and said: “So I heard someone likes getting bitten?”.
They were four people, coupled up in pairs. The pair sitting against the wall had some biting going on. The other pair was half-lying in their laps, making out with fervour. Their legs were pointing my way, creating a hard-to-traverse region.
One of them turned to me and replied: “Someone just got bitten, so yes..?”, and then turned back into the action. I looked at their arrangement and realized I didn’t know of a socially smooth way to connect. Thankfully, I was in a dominant state of mind and didn’t give a fuck.
I tapped the neck of a girl in the outermost make-outing pair and said: “I want to bite you here”. She said: “Huh? Are you talking to me? … Well ok, as long as you bite me softly”.
I felt in for a moment and then said: “I do not want to bite you softly”. The man who did the restraining earlier chimed in and wing-manned by saying: “Does anyone want to get bitten hard?”
There was a moment of hesitation, that got broken by my dear subject chiming in with a positive review, bless her heart. Moved by my dear subject’s enthusiasm, a girl in the wall-most pair agreed to give it a try. I asked the outermost pair to move their making out half a meter to the right12 and went at it.
It was a great success.
[…]
Asking for what I want
Allowing myself to go into a more assertive state of mind was fun and rewarding. I tend to be quite assertive in non-sexual contexts and want to transfer this habit over to sexual contexts as well.13
I have quite a lot of blockages, habits, fears and instincts that stand in the way. By expressing my desires, I train myself to drop some of the things that limit me. To start with, I will most likely be a bit uncalibrated socially - but this is a side effect I’m willing to accept. The main issue right now is that I limit myself based on false ideas about what’s appropriate - asking for things in non-smooth ways seems like a good stepping stone.14
My goal is to ask for what I want, rather than what I think is appropriate. To succeed at this, I need to put all importance on the act of asking, rather than on the outcome. If I’m fine with both a “yes” and a “no”, the request becomes a gift rather than a threat/obligation.15
This mindset also helps me focus on the things up to me - the act of asking. The outcome is something external to me - and should be outside my sphere of concern if I lean into the dichotomy of control.
Sexual Desire and Fantasies
I found it hard to come up with sexual desires to ask for. Most people seem to have way more juiciness in their inner worlds than I do - I rarely fantasise. This might have to do with my inability to visualize mental images.
This might be the reason I go out and do crazy things rather than just daydream, but I’m sure a bit of fantasising would do me good. This feels like a bigger topic - can it help me attune to what I want to put my energy into professionally? Can it help me find kinks, new curiosity etc?
I will look into it and then potentially write up on daydreaming.
Learning from the Insight
I am going to try capturing this mindset shift in my list of aphorisms. It has been quite some time since it changed, so I’m excited. I will add the aphorism “life is a buffet”16, highlighting a sense of possibility and richness that waits to be grabbed.
This will most likely morph and change over time, but it’s a start!
Ending notes
This post is very much a “sharing in public” post, where I recount an experience and the following learnings and what steps I take. I have mentioned my list of aphorisms a few times, but I haven’t made a proper write-up.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions and curiosities in the comments.
Thanks for reading.
If you want to make sense of a situation you’ve been in, or if you have an issue weighing on your mind, I would love to inquire together. Sessions are 60-90 min and are held in the spirit of the gifting economy, with you paying what you deem fair.
I intended to go to an energy healing workshop to challenge my hippie aversion, but there had been a change of plans. I’m glad I ended up where I did or this post would have been about something else.
Such were the instructions
I complimented him on this line later on. Many people find the dominance/submission tension awkward. Some people ease the tension by laughing and going playful. I’m mostly speculating here, but I guess dehumanization is another response - cutting away the tense dynamic by not relating to the other person.
Having a serious dominance dynamic while staying attuned to the other person is interesting stuff.
Dominance dynamics is one hell of a drug
A group of people cuddling together. I might do a write-up.
We were talking about dominance in the domain of shibari (ropes, tying and getting tied). I found it interesting to think of ropes as a physical representation of dominance, making it easier to handle the tension in the dominance dynamic - both parties can relate to the ropes rather than keeping up a “direct” dynamic. Not sure I express this idea well, leave a comment if you feel confused.
By suggesting something specific, enabling the group to cohere.
I didn’t feel like I had an ongoing sovereign position here, I wrote “my dear subject” to be clear about who I was referring to.
This is a good way for me to start getting comfortable exerting force and also tells me a bit about the other person’s sensitivity level. It varies a lot between people.
Again, dominance dynamics is one hell of a drug
It’s a thing, ok? :D
They protested a bit, telling me not to “burn their burn”. The couple behind them seemed happy at the change of position. Loose some, win some.
This is especially reasonable because I like it, and because a lot of women are into that kind of thing. If I recall correctly, more women get turned on by dominant partners than the male body. https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/54588484
I’m not hurting anyone without asking first :)
As long as this is done in the right cultural context, and I can trust the other person to set their boundaries
This might be merged with this more general aphorism at some point, but I’ll leave it separate for now:
