On Consent
Category: sex
Epistemic status: somewhat trauma-informed personal opinions
I love consent. It’s key to be able to relax into an intimate meeting. I also dislike the way consent is usually taught. I find most consent workshops to be simplistic and misguided. Let me tell you why.
Many1 consent workshops handle consent very differently from how it’s handled in “the wild”. In consent workshops, people ask for small details, such as “how far up on your arm may I touch?”. In “the wild”, people rarely ask for consent at all, relying instead on body language and gradual escalation.2
The “consent framework” used in the wild is highly norm-based, which becomes an issue due to diversity. People with different histories and (sub)cultures have wildly varying needs and preferences when it comes to consent, which makes the norm-based default consent framework a poor fit.
With some basic trauma awareness, we can also see some pitfalls. Some of the trauma responses are easy to spot, including fight/flight/freeze. But what about fawn? If someone goes into trauma-triggered “pleasing mode”, are you sure you can tell that apart from happily-consenting body language?
It’s these kinds of rare situations that make the normative way of approaching consent problematic. A lot of “consent violations” happen because of bad communication, rather than ill intent. And we need to remember that it’s not black and white, even “normal” encounters can be improved by finding a better way of setting boundaries.
But then why not go with the “always ask” model of consent promoted at standard consent workshops?
The problems with “always ask”
“Always ask” is a catchy slogan. If everyone did it, we’d reduce the number of times people get hurt. There’s just one problem: I don’t think we ever will get everyone to always ask.3 Even the people in favour of it don’t always ask.4
The always-ask approach runs into the same problems as the normative one. People are different. Some people don’t want to always ask. Some people don’t want to always be asked.
Some people dislike the always-ask model because they find it non-sexy. They enjoy the kind of flirting5 that is all about non-verbally communicating intent, building unspoken sexual tension until people start ripping clothes off each other.
Other people, including me,6 have no problem setting boundaries on a needs basis. My personal preference is for people to follow their impulses rather than stop and ask. As long as they do it gradually, I feel comfortable, secure in my ability to set up boundaries on a needs basis.7
Yet others are slow to feel uncomfortable, needing lots of time to process whether they managed to set up the right boundaries.8 They can avoid crossing their own boundaries by playing things really safe. But sometimes they want to explore, knowing that they might fail to set up a boundary they would’ve set if they were more in tune with their needs. If it’s a risk they are willing to take, and they inform their partner about it, I don’t see any problem.
Finally, many people feel a lot of shame in regard to sex. Asking them to step away from normative ways of doing things means that they risk ridicule. If asking risks turning a hot non-verbal (but 100% consented) encounter into something WEIRD, they are very hesitant to do it.
An Alternative
The alternative to one-size-fits-all approaches is to create a new consent framework with each person you meet.
When I’m in a moment that starts to get hot and/or sensual, I like to ask the other(s) how they like to handle consent, and also tell them about how I like to handle consent.9
I start by asking them how good they are at setting boundaries, so I can attune to that. If someone says that they are bad at it, I will take things really slow and ask whenever I feel uncertain.10
I then say something like “I’m really good with boundaries and love getting touched, so feel free to touch me however you feel like. But do it gradually so I have time to react and set the boundaries I need.”11
Then I might say: “Do you have any clear boundaries that you’d like to set now? I sensual touch ok? Erotic touch? Anything I should know?”
At this point most people say something like “I trust you, let’s just go ahead and see what happens”. Some people say “I’m up for sensual stuff, but nothing sexual. I might change my mind”.
And then I might say “Okay, but tell me if anything changes.”
And if I at any point feel uncertain, I ask them: “What are your boundaries right now, anything I should know about?”
Workshopping the alternative
Normalizing the question “how good are you with boundaries?” is an important thing to practice. If someone knows that they tend to go into trigger responses, this can be a lifesaver. And with people that do go into trigger responses, asking “how would you like to handle that?” You can practice this by having these kinds of conversations at a workshop.
I’ve also been to a few workshops on reading nonverbal cues, training to tune into when people freeze up or stop being actively responsive.12 People with practice at this are more likely to feel uncertain when something goes wrong, and ask rather than push further.
Finally, teaching people to turn their own no’s into yeses is a powerful way to give people more agency. The exercise is to be touched in different ways until something doesn’t feel right, whereupon the receiver says “I don’t like that, can you do X instead”, where X is more pleasurable or within the receiver’s comfort zone.13 Sometimes people wait until "it's bad enough" before setting a boundary. This workshop increases people's agency by giving them tools to set boundaries when things start to feel uncomfortable.
Final notes
A lot of these exercises might sound risky, but I’m pretty sure they’re way less risky than most encounters in “the wild”. That being said, if people have strong trauma triggers and easily go into freeze/fawning/etc, AND don’t want to accept the risk of something uncomfortable happening, they might want to start with always-ask consent workshops.
Always-ask workshops can be a way to build a foundation of trust in yourself, and the ability to express boundaries, even if they are far from “the wild”. But I’d also recommend “graduating” to the kind of workshops I recommend, once you have built a bit of a foundation.14
most?
Which works fine in most cases.
I know because I’ve asked people who I’ve seen gradually escalating nonverbally whether they are ok. This far it’s only been thumbs up. Still non-verbal. Sigh.
You could argue that the “always ask” standpoint makes it more likely that people ask whenever they are uncertain. That still leaves the problem of noticing trauma-triggered fawning.
Imagine asking someone, while fucking them, if it’s ok that you touch their belly.
Is there any other?
I’ve recently started flirting, not sure if I’d put myself in the first category
I know not everyone is comfortable setting a boundary. That is why we need a better model than “always ask”
I once talked to a woman who knew this 1-2 days after.
The phrases below are examples, it’s usually something like this. With people I know and trust, way less communication is needed.
Or if I feel like switching into erotic energy (from sensual), touching areas that are usually seen as more intimate, etc.
I usually add “but don’t put fingers in my ass without asking first”. But I felt like it took away from the aesthetics of the paragraph below so I hid it in a footnote.
Practising expressing pleasure reactions is something I can recommend. It makes people want to touch you more.
This can be limited for safety, such as setting up boundaries for what kind of touch is ok, and where the touch is ok, before getting started. But such limits take away from the practice in some ways, so if you feel comfortable, I recommend “full contact”.
No value judgement intended. I’m merely suggesting that the always-ask can serve as a foundation for workshops that are more similar to real-world interaction.