Sexual Inhibition
A Case Study
PG-13 - This post delves deeply into a personal topic, offering analysis and actionable insights. Viewer discretion is advised.
I don’t want to write this post.
It feels like I’m wearing a heavy, wet sweater - choking and slowing me down.
I lock up in turmoil when I interact with attractive women who remind me of my teenage years.1 And it’s not just when I’m around them - merely thinking about them makes me feel like this. Multiple contradictory impulses are screaming at me.
One impulse urges me to hide, to shrink together and play dead. Another drives me to get closer - not in a sexual way, but simply to hang around and tag along. There is self-criticism - telling myself things like “Are you just going to hang around?”, “You should be able to navigate this”, etc.
I get supremely conscious of my social behaviour, subtly adjusting my actions so that I interact “just the right amount”, neither chasing nor fleeing. Topics of conversation turn into a challenging task, and I’m acutely aware of touch - trying to strategically sit near and connect physically.
All of this occurs without a clear 'yes' from within myself. There's no part of me wanting to touch for the sake of touching; it feels more like solving a challenge, trying to move closer to... I don't know, her?
In the midst of all this, a small inner boy is feeling amazed at how pretty she is. The boy is behaving like he’s looking at a cute puppy, going “PRETTY!” with a goofy face.
Needless to say, this is overwhelming.
Analysis
The self-judgement and social self-criticism2 seem to be coping mechanisms - not foundational, but rather nth-order reactions.3 The “tagging along” and gushing impulses seem to be expressions of attraction, albeit limited and boyish.
The hiding impulse seems to be a stress response - my instincts responding to a perceived threat by playing dead, also known as the freeze response. Thank you ancestral heritage, very helpful.4
If I reconstruct this chain of responses, I imagine it all starts with me feeling attracted to someone in a way that reminds me of my teenage years.5 The attraction is met with a freeze response, shutting down my system and making it hard to function. Self-judgement and fear kick in, leading to social anxiety.
The main question then becomes: why do I freeze up in response to these girls?
There are multiple answers to this question, depending on how I interpret it.
Why do I freeze up in response to these girls?
Interpretation 1: What is the underlying stressor?
What about the situation cause the emotional storm? We’ve gone through the facts and feelings already - let’s turn to prior beliefs.
When locked up in the emotional storm, I hold a bunch of implicit beliefs.
One implicit belief is that I “should” make a move and seek intimacy, even if I don’t feel like doing it. I attribute this to general expectations on men - being the one to chase, and always open to have sex.
Another belief is that I’m annoying if I “hang around”, and that it’s up to me to regulate, or else the other person will judge me. This seems to be another case of projection - I judge myself and therefore believe that she judges me.
Another belief is that I’m unsexable. I also believe that the other person is averse to expressions of desires6 - and not sexual. It’s like I turn the person into a fair, innocent maiden - even if we meet at a sex party. Again, there’s a symmetry here. I block my sexuality and therefore expect the other person to be blocked in the same way.
Let’s dive one step deeper! Why do I block my sexuality?
I block it because it’s dangerous.
I block it because it’s imposing and demanding.
I block it because it’s inappropriate.
I block it because the other person can’t handle it.
I block it because it’s wrong.
Whew, there’s quite a bit of reprogramming to do here. Fun times.
Interpretation 2: What do I gain from this behaviour? (feat Adler)
Why am I still acting this way? If there were no benefits, I’d have most likely dropped the act by now. Inspired by Alfred Adler, let’s treat this as an active tactic pursued by a part of myself to reach a certain goal.
Freezing up minimizes risk - a pattern also found in the social awkwardness I go into. I model awkwardness as a frenetic risk minimization, spending so much focus on potential screw-ups that your wishes go out of the window and you end up acting in weird ways.
So why is there a risk minimization strategy going on? What’s at risk?
I’ve suffered from arrogance for a long time. Looking down on others is a great way to avoid looking at my issues. Puffing myself up in response to a threat.
A lot of my insecurity is in the domain of social skills. And what is a good metric for social capacity? The approval of women - sexual and relational success. Making advances risks rejection - losing face in an obvious way.
Blocking my sexuality is a great way to mitigate this risk - if I’m not interested, then I sit on the power. Cool, self-sufficient and very much alone.
This is ass-backwards in a bunch of ways. Avoiding all risks makes for a dull life. The social consequences of rejection are minimal - mostly in my head. Handing over my sense of self-worth by evaluating myself based on the reactions of others means giving up my power.
Finally, having sex to collect trophies is not appealing. Very much not hot.
Where to go next
Given all this analysis, what do I do next?
The first thing I want to work on is integrating my sexuality, allowing sexual energies outside of intimate encounters. This can take the form of tantra, learning to find pleasure in the small things in life. I also want to go easy on myself, and focus on exploring intimacy with attractive people I feel safe and grounded with - not go for the emotion storm inducers. The conflicting emotions provide intensity and aliveness, but not the kind that leads to a good time.
I want to meet the emotion-storm inducers in a different way - with curiosity and openness. I want to be open about my social anxiety, naming the beast to rob it of its power. I want to indulge in following them around, asking for consent/assurance if I feel the need. I want to break the idea that I need to be cool and aloof. I want to talk to them about sex and sexuality, breaking the “fair maiden projection” without pressuring myself to feel sexual.
More concretely, I will schedule phone calls and talk about this with women who create the turmoil reaction in me. I will figure out ways to embody my sexuality - the approach might be the subject of future posts.
Hopefully, this will train my system to respond in a more attuned way, given some time.
If my journey resonates with you, I invite you to join me in a one-on-one inquiry session. The sessions are provided in the spirit of the gifting economy - you pay what you think it’s worth. We go on for 60-90 minutes and adapt the approach to you and the situation you are in.
P.S: I have been releasing two posts a week for a month now, and it’s been great fun. I will be travelling a lot in the coming six weeks, and don’t know if I’ll keep up my schedule.
And non-binary people I pattern-match as women. I will use “she” rather than “the other person” due to flow and avoiding confusion.
aka awkwardness
The self-judgement is a kind of second-order unskillfulness:
Playing dead is only sexy for a minority of people.
Some people are beautiful without triggering this response - I think the recipe is that they attract me while also reminding me of a younger version of myself. They might have hairstyles that were popular when I was in school, or simply look youthful.
I think they can smell fear and would not like a forced escalation where I overrule my feelings. Also, most women don’t get sexual unless there’s a mutuality to it - I’m blocking that avenue by inhibiting myself.