Self-Coercion and Shyness
Premature Ejection
Summary: Me analysing thought patterns that have led to problems in intimate encounters.
For a long time, I’ve struggled to connect with new people in playspaces.1 I’ve felt awkward, not sure how to take the “leap” into an intimate encounter.2
I have felt comfortable with limited things, like cuddling, spanking someone or being scratched. Stepping from my comfort zone into “full-on” play has felt like quite the leap.3
I’ve hesitated to engage with others, not wanting to risk disappointing them when they realize that I keep to a “low” level of play. In this imagined scenario, the person would get frustrated and try to move on - or even worse: stay at my level in an act of support/sacrifice. I’ve further feared that the disappointed person would struggle to “get back in” and connect with someone else - classic projection.4
Written like this, I can see that this frame of reference contains a bunch of destructive ideas and assumptions. We’ll dissect them later.
I went to a kink event this weekend, where I stumbled upon a conversation that helped me reorient and break out of this unskillful perspective.
On one side of the conversation was a couple that had just started exploring playspaces together. They were talking with some experienced participants, getting their perspectives and advice.
The couple struggled to keep a healthy balance between a sense of safety and the wish to give each other freedom to roam and explore. Like me, they put a lot of expectations on themselves, expressing a wish to be fine with/allow each other to explore freely, engaging with others at any level of intimacy.5
The first suggestion they received was to take things easy and start by growing comfortable being intimate with each other while surrounded by other people. Opening up for others is a big step for many - something best opened up to gradually, once they feel comfortable being with each other in such a context.
This piece of advice gave me some perspective - I’ve noticed that some people tend to warm themselves up, as a way to get going.6 I hadn’t realized that couples do the same thing, staying together until they feel ready to engage with others.7
Following this first suggestion came a remark that surprised me - and helped me let go of some unhealthy ideas.
One of the more experienced participants advised the couple to not pressure themselves to do sexual acts outside of their comfort zone. He told them there is no expectation to do anything other than what feels good in the moment. Furthermore, he shared that he’d “only” had intercourse at a total of three playspaces - a mere fraction of the total amount he’d been to.
This made things land for me - and helped me question my idea that I would disappoint people by playing within my comfort zone. I realized that it is a bunch of self-imposed performance anxiety bullshit with no grounding in reality.
No wonder I’ve struggled historically - the all-or-nothing mindset I’ve held makes it tricky to approach anything but established partners. The connection between this mindset and my ability to skilfully navigate playspaces seems fairly strong - the evening after my mindset shift is one of my best partner-less playspaces this far.
Now - on to analysis!
Analysis 1 - I am allowed boundaries
When written out like this, the insight seems obvious. When I am intimate with someone, I don’t treat their consent as something permanent - consent can be withdrawn at any time.
The temporary nature of consent has been drilled into me at numerous consent workshops - but I still haven’t fully internalized that this applies to me as well. When working with consent, most of my focus has been on not being a perpetrator -respecting women’s boundaries and right to withdraw consent, being trauma-aware and avoiding perpetuating toxic behaviours.
Somewhere in the middle, I lost track of me.
When I look at myself with the same eyes I’ve trained to understand others, I realize I’ve gone into freeze responses, shutting down when faced with my self-imposed pressure.
Giving myself the space and consideration I have offered others for quite some time now seems like a good next step.
Analysis 2 - Premature ejection
The second thing I want to point out is the fact that I blocked intimate encounters early, scared of where they might lead. I have a hunch that this pattern is very common, usually related to a fear of future boundary transgressions.
I started thinking about this pattern when someone asked me about friend-zoning. I model friend-zoning as a very indirect way8 to set up boundaries far in advance of potential risks. The upside is reduced risk of harassment, consent violations and unwanted emotional labour.9
Letting fear of future discomfort rule one’s intimate life poses quite some downside. The main drawback is the same as that of most overprotection - inhibited enjoyment of life, and lost opportunities.
My hope is that I will start taking my own needs and boundaries seriously instead of pushing myself. Maybe, if I succeed, I will be able to enjoy the present moment of intimate encounters instead of shutting down and ejecting myself from the situation prematurely.
P.S: If you feel stuck in a perspective that doesn't serve you, I’d love to inquire together. I have some time slots open next week, feel free to book a session here:
A friend recently told me that it’s fascinating to see me approach social and emotional areas of life in an unusually structured manner. If you know someone who might be delighted similarly, please send them my way.
Rooms where people hang out and have different kinds of sex, BDSM sessions etc.
Part of this is lack of training; as you might know, social skills haven’t come naturally to me.
I’m talking about fucking people here; not sure why my brain considers that to be a goal. There is an evolutionary argument to be made, and it’s also possible to connect it with patriarchy and lingering traces from Christianity (where intercourse is very loaded compared to other acts of intimacy)
Note to self: me struggling to connect doesn’t imply others struggle as well.
See how I still use hierarchical language, elevating some acts above others? Why is intercourse on a higher level than cuddling? I get that most people think like this, but I want to start treating it as a difference in degree rather than a difference in kind.
Stroking themselves or breathing in specific ways. Or by slapping/gagging themselves, in the case of a friend of mine. Hi! :)
I’ve mostly been annoyed with the way people tend to couple up in a remarkably short amount of time.
Very diplomatic in the way it allows for saving face by using normative relationship classification as a shelling point. I’ve written a bit on game theory here:
In the typical scenario, a woman categorizes a man as a friend (indirect rejection) in order to avoid having to deal with unskilful reactions to explicit rejection.