Philosophical guidance
Post Summary: Shifting mindset as a way to solve problems and get out of bad habits. Examples of finding a balanced approach to speaking and listening, increasing social skills and emotional intelligence. Introduction of Philosophical Guidance, where I use active listening to support people in philosophical inquiry, helping them improve their lives.
Knowing what mindset and perspective to use in which situation is key to navigating life with skill. Learning to shift mindsets appropriately is a trainable skill, requiring introspective awareness, practice and self-reflection.1
One way to practice mindset shifting is by noticing situations where you act in ways that don’t serve you, and then try to change the way you operate in these situations.
For many years, I took up a lot of space in social contexts, imposing my perspectives on the group. Some people felt like I didn’t care about them. They were mostly correct.
Right now I’m trying out the opposite - staying quiet and listening more than I speak. I have learned a lot using focused active listening, a very successful experiment.
No Easy Takeaway
Unfortunately, my successful experiment has no easy takeaway.
It’s very easy at this point to jump onto the internet and say “Talking bad, listening good mkay!”. This misses the point. The problem wasn’t that I talked a lot. The problem was that I was stuck in the talking-mode, unable to adjust when the situation called for it.
Telling some people to listen more than they speak will nudge them in the right direction. For others, such advice might even cause harm.2
If someone closes down and hides themselves from others, they don’t need to be told to shut up and listen more than they speak. They might need to hear the opposite: “go out and show yourself, even if you are afraid of making people upset. Making people upset might be good!”
A Tricky Takeaway?
It’s a common joke that experts always answer “Well, it depends…”. They know that approaches must be situational, fitting the person and the situation at hand. Leaning hard in one direction and then switching to the opposite direction is a great way to get more flexibility, and practice adopting different ways of being.
Having a range of different ways of being available allows you to start practising adapting to the situations life throws at you.
You go from being stuck, to being unstuck, to being adaptable.
Training for mindset shifting
Teaching others3 to situationally switch mindsets is the core of what I’m trying to do with both this blog and my more recent philosophical guidance practice.
I want to help others find sets of practices, ideas and perspectives that can be helpful when navigating life. I want to help people combine these different techniques into a “sensemaking machinery” - a tailor-made approach to living with skill.4
I then want to help people integrate this sensemaking machinery into their day-to-day functioning - if your philosophy is only theory, it’s worthless.
Building a system while also embodying it is tricky. Usually, it’s hard to go about it yourself - I wouldn’t have gotten far without all the support and input I’ve gotten over the years.5
My philosophical guidance practice is intended to help others with this process.
What’s up with philosophical guidance?
When I hold space for someone in a session, I start by trying to understand them deeply, putting myself in their shoes. I then support their sensemaking6 by following along, using my sensemaking machinery to support them.7
I hope that guided sessions with me will help people train to “guide themselves” - increasing their ability to skillfully adopt mindsets that fit whatever situation they find themselves in.
Hopefully, this work will help me and others live with skill and move toward less foolishness.8
I have no source for this, but it seems obvious to me.
Introspective awareness is required to sense into what’s happening inside, allowing yourself to adapt and adjust.
Practica is required, as with all skills. This is not something you can learn by reading a book and accumulating skills - it’s more like riding a bike.
Self-reflection is needed to find patterns of unskilled behaviour, the reasons you act in ways that don’t serve you.
Telling assholes to “just be honest” can end up with them using honesty as a way to step on others
And myself
This is not some metaphysical thing - it’s a way to view something we all have. Many people neglect their own functioning, leaving their system wobbly and in disrepair. The good news is that you can start at any point and make small improvements that compound over time.
Friends, books, coaches, therapists and much more
Figuring shit out
Practically, I listen deeply and reflect on themes I hear/see:
“You say that you are sad, but there also seems like there is a bit of energy - maybe joy or pride?” - pointing out a difference in spoken words and emotion
“When you feel into this tension between safety and success, how do you relate to the part of you that wants safety?” - pointing out a stuck perspective, looking down on wanting safety
“Why are you focusing on what they want, rather than what you want? Is there a danger there?”
etc
I wanted to throw in “wisdom” here, but the word is way overloaded and imprecise.