Skipping my grandfathers funeral
And assorted reflections
My grandfather Rune died during the covid pandemic. Due to restrictions, his funeral was limited to 20 people. I wasn’t there. My father sent me a recording of the funeral. I put it on my desktop and then postponed watching it until I switched computers. Now the recording is gone as well.
I never really connected with Rune as an adult. I visited on rare occasions but didn’t put effort into the relationship. When he died, I used covid as an excuse to skip out on the funeral. I didn’t mention this to my dad, failing to act honestly.
I had other priorities. I wanted to be a hero and save the world. What is one set of personal relations in the grand scheme of things? Why should I attend to family matters while the world descends into chaos?1
This weekend, I went to a men’s retreat.2 I was reminded of the importance of integrity, and keeping one’s spoken and unspoken promises. I understood the value of helping each other grow.3 I became aware of my limitations and shared my talents.4
During the retreat, I confronted some deep-seated issues from my past. I had a hard time fitting in at school. Having poor social skills and high intelligence made me feel different from others. I managed to manipulate my primary school environment well enough to be included, but it never felt natural and easy.
I coped with my insecurity by telling myself I was superior to others.5 Special. In some sense I am. In other ways, I’m not.
At the men’s retreat, I felt accepted. The group was very mixed, with people from all walks of life. Yet I could relate to them all. They took care of me when I stumbled, and I supported them using my gifts and talents.
I want to stop seeing myself as Very Special, and start putting more effort into “normal things”. Some day, I want to use my gifts to make the world better in big ways. Today, I decided to make the world better in small ways.
This morning I called up my dad and told him about the way I skipped out on the funeral and didn’t watch the recording. I told him I regret not putting more effort into my relationship with Rune.
I promised my dad to schedule some time together in the near future, where we can reconnect and talk about his memories of Rune. One-on-one memorial time.
I’m glad I’m moving back into integrity.
An answer: maybe that’s the attitude that plunges the world into chaos?
It was beyond awesome and you should go there, provided:
You are not a sage
You are not a psychopath or very mentally unstable
You identify as male
Register here: https://mkpnordic.org/nwta/
One person there had a tattoo reading “Vi reser oss alltid upp igen”, or “We always stand back up”.
Such as my good looks.