Relational Agency: Matchmaking (pt 2)
Let's Weave our Networks Tighter
School kills relational agency.1 Many grow up making convenient friendships with classmates. Once they leave school, friendships stop happening automatically — leaving them unable to form relationships outside an institution.
Meanwhile, relationships are more important than ever — we live in a network-society where relationships grow more important than money, even if we only look at power.
Relational agency is a proverbial hundred-dollar bill lying on the sidewalk.
Let me tell you how to pick it up.
In my previous post, I wrote about moving to a new city, and how I built a social network/friendships from scratch. I attended public events, hoping to meet people I liked. Once in a while, I met someone I vibed with, and built a relationship by consistently reaching out.
One of the first people I connected with was into philosophy, running philosophical café meetups. We spent a lot of time one-on-one, analyzing life, humour and most other things. One day I got a brilliant idea. I went to my friend and said: “Hey, I like hanging out with you! Do you know any other people I would get along with?”.
He suggested I reach out to a friend of his. It was a great suggestion! I reached out, we booked a hangout — and had a great time. Over time, we got to know each other better. One day I got a brilliant idea. I went to my new friend and said: “Hey, I like hanging out with you! Do you know any other people I would get along with?”.
Why stop a winning strategy?
The Benefits of Matchmaking
In this post, I’ll analyse the nature of matchmaking. I use the term to talk about any situation where one person gives a personalized social recommendation to another. Examples: personalized event invites, suggesting that two compatible people meet up, inviting someone to a group. When a match is successful, it provides immense benefits for both the matchmaker and the person being matched.
The benefits for the person being matched are obvious — access to pre-vetted contexts, people and connections. When a friend gives you a recommendation, you have reason to trust it. Receiving such a suggestion feels good, it’s flattering when someone takes the time to make personalized recommendations.
The benefits for the matchmaker are greater. When you facilitate a successful connection, the people involved will feel gratitude and a wish to reciprocate. Contributing to communities creates a meaningful sense of belonging2 while increasing your status — contributions made by people you’ve brought reflect positively on you.3
Moreover, matchmakers gain a direct form of relational agency — the ability to reshape their social network. By connecting people and communities, you can turn scattered relationships into a coherent network of relationships.
Relationships are stronger when your friends know each other — increasing the potential for creativity and collaboration. Relationships are durable when your friends know each other — inviting each other to shared events, keeping in touch and supporting each other.
Given the upsides of a well-connected social circle, I’ve started weaving together friends and communities. After experimenting with a few approaches, I eventually settled on an event-based method for matchmaking.
Event Invite Lists
Like all great methods, my approach is built upon recurring reminders. Every other month or so, I get a reminder to invite people to events. In the reminder, I’ve listed acquaintances I want to weave into my social circles.
I’ve got one reminder for cocreated Burning Man-type gatherings, and one for tantra events — one invite list per event-type. When I get the reminder, I look at my calendar, cross-checking future events with people on the list. If I think someone’s a good fit for an event, I reach out over chat or phone, inviting people personally — a stronger gesture than a Facebook-based event invite.4
People tend to respond enthusiastically, even if they can’t join.5 If they can join, they tend to connect with other parts of my extended social circles — making friends with people I know and starting to contribute to shared communities and gatherings.
Step by step, this approach knits my social network together into a powerful whole.
Risks
Matchmaking is riskier than being matched. When you matchmake, you stake your reputation on the person you introduce — if they misbehave, this reflects poorly on you. Most people avoid matchmaking across friendship groups, fearing mismatch and awkwardness.
These risks are likely lower than you think — our instincts for social risks are usually way off target, exaggerating the risks. If you have some level of discernment, the likely worst outcome is a “dud” — the invited person having a boring time, and not connecting with others.
Another failure mode when inviting a new person to an event is them sticking by your side, seeking refuge from social uncertainty. Like most issues, this is a matter of expectation management and communication — setting boundaries and commitments before the event. Practically, it’s a matter of mutually agreeing that this is a scenario you want to avoid, asking your friend to commit to being explorative.
Takeaway
Given some level of discernment when matchmaking, the benefits far outweigh the risks. Matchmakers get the power to knit social webs together, allowing friendships and connections to flourish. Matchmakers get increased status, with match-made people’s contributions reflecting positively on the person introducing them. Successful matchmaking improves the lives of the people getting matched and the matchmaker — executed successfully, matchmaking is a triple-win.
Knowing the benefits of matchmaking, I hope you will start connecting others. Knowing the benefits of matchmaking, I hope you start asking to be connected. Together, we create a network of fantastic people, brimming with potential for the future.
Thank you for your time and attention.
P.S: I’d love to hold space while you reflect on big topics in your life.
Here’s a statement from my client Frans-Lukas, shared with his consent:
“I've attended Jonathan's philosophical guidance sessions four times, and the experience has been transformative. […] I often share the concepts discovered in Jonathan's sessions with my friends, and they've significantly impacted my life.“
Here are some other people writing about connecting friendship circles together and asking to be connected:
- - How to Live Near Your Friends
- - How to make friends and build a network
- - New Series: Becoming More Audacious
- - How to Become a Connector
Studies show that homeschooled kids have better social skills.
https://www.stetson.edu/artsci/psychology/media/medlin-socialization-2013.pdf
https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/ED573486.pdf
“[Alfred Adler] proposed that contributing to others (social interest or Gemeinschaftsgefühl) was how the individual feels a sense of worth and belonging in the family and society.” — Wikipedia
It’s like a non-zero-sum MLM scheme
It’s a bit more effort, but I think you 10-20x the amount of appreciation. Facebook invites have a bit of a zero-discernment r-selection vibe — especially when it’s an entrepreneur-type person obviously using stale invite-lists.
Even if the person can’t join, it’s a worthwhile expression of appreciation
This is an important article - I'll be thinking about it in the next few days.
The combination of:
1. Meeting new people regularly
2. Introducing them to each other and to your existing network
genuinely feels ridiculously powerful. And fulfilling.
I'm going to try to find a way to weave this into my Becoming More Audacious series.
Thanks for writing + mentioning me Jonathan.