My sexual issues
Oversharing is overcaring
Note/TW: This post will go into detail/speculation about my personal sexual issues.
I grew up Christian. The condition persisted until I was 23 years old. What remains is a liking of virtue1, some apologetics2 that never seem to come in handy, and issues surrounding sexuality.
RSFU defines sex as “anything that turns you on”. This is not the definition horny Christian teenagers use. I tried to game the no-sex-before-marriage3 rule by redefining both “marriage”4 and “sex”. “Sex” got redefined as “penetration”.
Redefining sex this way allowed me to enjoy non-penetrative sex, using skillfully applied ignorance to avoid acknowledging the motivated reasoning. However, I was also quite frustrated since I was seeking social validation and thought that I “got stuck at foreplay”. On some level, I wanted to have “sex” (= penetrate people), but I was in denial about it. I was also blocked by alexithymia & a lack of social skills, thinking (rightly or wrongly) that no one would want to be sexual with me.
During the past 3 years, I’ve gotten in touch with my feelings, practised expressing attraction/appreciation to people, and started attending tantric sex parties. But I can still recognize some of the patterns.
I still struggle with being penetration-oriented to a degree that is detrimental to me.5 I still struggle with flirting and going into sexual energies with people. I still easily fall into a greedy prestige-mode, where sex turns into disconnected achievement.
When I disconnect, pleasure turns into performance. Totally not hot.
At sex parties, I mostly have sex with a person that I’m comfortable with6. I’m slowly getting more comfortable being sexual with other people by having sex when there are other people around. It’s hard to stay relaxed with others around, making it hard to stay hard7 and easy to orgasm prematurely.8
At a burn recently, I had a very interesting existential shift in how I relate to others.
I was having tired-sex9 with the person I’m the most comfortable with, in a room filled with mattresses & people having sex. Most of the people in the room were paired up, but there was also a 5-some going on.
At the start of the tired-sex, I didn’t have much sexual energy. It was nice getting oral from the person I am comfortable with, but I had a hard time staying connected. Part of me wanted achievement: connecting sexually with someone new10 (taking & overcoming risks).
I started envying11 the people that had sex in the bigger group since they were connecting with more than one person. I was hoping that someone would come over and offer themselves to me, without taking any steps to make it happen.12
Totally not hot.
Then I thought to myself “hey, what if I just enjoy the situation as it is?”.
My way of relating shifted.
Suddenly, I was happy that I was in a room full of people enjoying themselves, feeling a sense of community and compersion13. I started feeling a lot of love towards the person I had sex with, and a sense of power & energy filled me.14
Totally hot.15
That I accept based on merit, not dogma. It’s interesting to think of Christianity as an entryway to Stoicism, given how much Stoicism influenced Christianity early on.
I was a nerdy aspie Christian that liked discussing minutiae with both atheists and normie evangelicals. Kind of a geek/edgelord vibe.
An atheist asked me if I was ok with eating pork and wearing mixed fabrics:
“Why would you expect me to follow old testament rules? Being a Christian, I follow the new covenant that supersedes the Jewish one.”
On Reddit:
”Penal substitutionary atonement is so gauche, I’m more into the theory that the crucifixion was used to signal god’s love & universal reconciliation”
Yep, things were really bad. I grew up in the bible belt and had an aspie you-have-to-follow-the-rules mindset.
“But surely the modern conception of marriage is not the same as in Jewish times where they pre-arranged marriages at a young age? If I have a life partner that I’m sure I will keep dating for the rest of my life, then that’s marriage, right? We’re 18 years old, grown enough to know these things.”
- Me ca 2008 (tired of sticking to non-penetrative sex)
Even if the sex is headed towards penetration, it gets better if I enjoy other kinds of sex before. Being too penetration-oriented is detrimental to enjoying the non-penetrative sex that occurs before by turning it into a means to an end.
Yeah, this is really weird I know
Boners are like tightrope-walking, if you have to look down you’re already screwed.
It’s common that men stick to a pants-on policy in group sex settings, most likely for this reason.
why does all the fun stuff happen at 2am?
This is generally higher prestige, but lower actual enjoyment. It takes time to train your sex partners.
It’s always possible to do into scarcity, yay!
such as making eye contact with someone
It’s funny how the poly community had to come up with a new word for such a basic thing.
This reminds me of something a wise soul said at the burn:
“Do what you like, not what you want”.
Felt like a good place to end, but I want to stay honest and note that I still came very fast.
I then dominated/whipped my partner for a bit, something to channel the newfound energy into.