Being Honest with My Father

Potential for Connection

I read the book “Radical Honesty” 2-3 years ago. It blew my mind — I realized I’d been deluding myself about being mostly honest. I didn’t tell many straight-out lies, but I often evaded shame-laden conversation topics, nimbly manoeuvring to hide my shit.

After reading the book, I made a radical decision: to talk as if I was 100% safe and my replies had no consequences.¹ When I found myself trying to evade a topic, I embodied courage and spurted out what was on my mind.

This practice has created an honesty-itch in me — I grow restless and frustrated if I don’t share my thoughts transparently. I’ve become addicted to honesty. Early on, this itch drew me to do some crazy things. Let me tell you about one of those times.

Social Distancing Rage

This was back in the covid era, while I suffered from self-imposed social distancing. One day, my father reached out to me, saying: “did you know that more people died in Sweden back in ‘08, compared to this year?”.

I got fucking mad. I’d been isolating from my friends, making sacrifices to keep spread down. His line reminded me of the “covid is just like influenza”-claim that was popular back then. Having engaged with too many conspiracy theorists back when I was lobbying for climate policy reform, I had little patience left for such views.² . In my eyes, my father was invalidating all the sacrifices I’d made.

I swallowed my rage. Being trained in nonviolent communication, I responded gently, pedagogically correcting the argument I believed he was trying to make. I kept my anger boiling inside, going to bed without opening up about it.

I woke up at 3 am, filled with rage. The anger coursed through my body, waking me up in fractions of a second. I jumped out of bed, went to my computer with decisive steps, hit the chat-window and started to type.

I sent my father a long, rambling rant where I thoroughly scolded him, venting hours of built-up rage. I told him about feeling invalidated, and how he reminded me of past climate conspiracy lunatics.³ I told him that 2008 was an exceptional year for the Grim Reaper — and that the covid death toll was kept low by people making an effort. Feeling cleansed, I hit the bed and slept like a baby.

The Aftermath

After a good night’s sleep, I woke well-rested, habitually opened my computer, and saw that there were new messages from my father. The events from last night soared into awareness, and I was suddenly very much awake. Nervousness hit me —how would he react?

I was expecting defensiveness and anger, but his response surprised me. He thanked me for opening up and suggested that we do a video call. I agreed and found myself having the most open-hearted conversation we’d had in ages. He shared some things he’d avoided bringing up — things that had been weighing on his mind for quite some time.⁴ I assured him that he’d done no wrong and that no one’s perfect.⁵

The call brought us closer together, opening up our relationship to more honesty. In the following weeks, we reached out more — and I still feel like there’s a greater sense of connection between us.

Most people hide things from people important to them. They play roles when engaging with their families, acting out harmless personas. Sometimes, this is a necessary healthy defence — and sometimes it’s unnecessary cowardice.

The people you care about will not be there forever. If you open up to them, you create space for real connection. Keeping up appearances is not a worthy goal — avoid dissatisfying simulacra of healthy relationships. Consider putting more of yourself into connections — build relationships that matter!

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P.S: I’d love to hold space while you reflect on big topics in your life.

Here’s a statement from my client Frans-Lukas, shared with his consent:

“I've attended Jonathan's philosophical guidance sessions four times, and the experience has been transformative. […] I often share the concepts discovered in Jonathan's sessions with my friends, and they've significantly impacted my life.“

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Here are some other people writing about honesty:

• Yung Pueblo
  - “Radical Honesty - Excerpt from Lighter”

• Toby Jolly
  - “How and why my partner and I regularly review our relationship”

• Melissa Shannon, LPCC
  - “Honesty Shouldn’t Be Brutal“

1. Exception: talking to representatives of companies and the state. Fuck the police.

2. It went… ok. More info: https://citizensclimatelobby.org/basics-carbon-fee-dividend/

3. One person came up to me and told me that climate change is fake because the moon is actually a sun. Very confused.

4. I won’t go into details out of integrity concerns.

5. Well, except Cato that is.