Akrasia & back scratches
A dialogue with Brad Blanton
Context
Brad Blanton is the author of “Radical Honesty”, a book about radical honesty.
He’s also a psychotherapist. This post is a written dialogue between me and my mental representation of Brad.
“Akrasia” is a fancy Greek term that means something like “acting against one’s better judgment”. Example: Oversleeping, drinking too much, not taking care of yourself.
Brad: What do you want to talk about today?
Me: The day before yesterday, I really wanted to get my back scratched. I have a roommate who’s usually up for it, but they weren’t feeling that well, and I hesitated to ask.
Brad: Okay, what happened?
Me: I felt torn. When I thought about asking, I felt shame, like I wanted to lock up. Part of me argued that I was being a good person by not pressuring them, but the truth is that I was afraid.
Brad: Damn right. Too many people kill themselves by withholding and suppressing themselves until they stress out. Sacrificing yourself on the altar of bullshit is not heroic, you’re just being a coward.
Me: Yep, the worst part is that I knew all this on some level. I knew I should ask and trust my roommate to handle their own consent. When I keep things pent up I feel like shit, and yet something stopped me from just saying it.
Brad: If you want to stay in my practice you’ll have to stop withholding. If you don’t take care of yourself, why should I bother?
Me: What do you suggest?
Brad: Whenever you want something, especially when it’s related to intimacy or sex, you say it. The goal is not to make anything happen, don’t try to be persuasive or smooth. Just say it.
Me: But what if they get scared?
Brad: If you are afraid that you will scare someone, start by telling them that you have 0 expectations & that you are sharing because you want to stop being a coward. Don’t try to be smooth.
Me: Sounds scary, but also exciting. I’ll give it a try.
Brad: Good! I’m looking forward to hearing more about how it turns out.
Anything else you’d like to talk about?
Me: I want to zero in on what is inhibiting me, get a sense of where the stuckness comes from.
Brad: How does it feel in your body when you start inhibiting yourself? Think back to the situation you were in, and respond from there.
Me: Shallow breathing, a tingling sensation between my solar plexus and belly button. Diaphragm tensing up a bit. I felt scared and ashamed.
Brad: What kind of thoughts went through your mind?
Me: I was afraid of being seen as needy, that I would be “too much”. I told myself that I should wait until “the perfect moment”™ presented itself. I was afraid that I wouldn’t get more back scratches if I asked, that I would ruin some kind of connection and that it would be impossible to mend. I also judged myself for making a big deal out of nothing. I found being honest there to be hard because I didn’t know how much I should share: is talking about the original want for back scratches enough, or should I also mention the self-judgment and being scared of being seen as needy?
Brad: That does sound kind of needy. Humans are needy as fuck, trying to stay cool and not in need of support is bullshitting yourself. If you feel a bit needy, say it! If you are afraid of being “too much”, say it! Acting like you’re not needy is super needy because then you don’t even take care of your own communication properly.
Brad: When you started tormenting yourself like that, the back scratches themselves stopped being important. Just sharing the “ground facts” of wanting back scratches isn’t honesty, it’s just a way to avoid having to expose your uncertainty. You should have shared what’s alive in you at that very moment, and let it come out in a jumbled mess if needs be.
Me: I guess I got stuck on trying to keep it smooth/get back scratches instead of just sharing what went on inside. Focusing on the original “honesty target” of asking for back scratches, instead of sharing openly about what ate me up inside. Next time I’ll keep my focus on what I can control1 instead of trying to achieve an external goal.
Brad: Yes! Stop trying to be clever and cunning, you need to become dumber. Shut down the mind and focus on the body and what you want. It’s the path to enlightenment.
Me: Right, I’ll give it a try. Thank you, Brad!
Brad: Thank you! ‘til next time!
My action-impulses, i.e. sharing the jumbled mess of thoughts that went on inside of me.