A Relational Experiment
And the Romantic Struggle
Summary: I’ve figured out a way to connect more deeply with people, and reflect a bit on how to handle the feelings of attraction that arise as a side-effect.
I’ve felt attracted to a few different people over the past weeks. I’m usually not prone to attraction, and I think this increased frequency is related to a relational experiment I am currently running.
The relational experiment is an attempt to increase my interest in other people, thereby improving my ability to recall encounters while hopefully increasing the number of people I connect with.
What I’m doing, more concretely, is trying to figure people out. Previously, I’ve treated the things I learn in conversations as an overwhelming amount of disjoint facts. Hard to remember, hard to care about. Now, I try to build a mental model of the person I’m talking to.1
What is important to them? Why? What is their personality like, and how does it all fit together? What mindsets, struggles and preferences shape their ways of being? What are their goals?
This way of framing things makes relating more fun for me. I remember the people I’ve explored in much more detail, and I feel way more connection. At the same time, I’m feeling attraction and interest more often, emotions that can easily lead me to a state of infatuation if I choose to fan those flames.2
I’m doing my best not to fan the flames; in most cases, my short-term attraction is not in line with my long-term interests.3 I want relations that I can grow vast together with. To achieve this, I try to use my judgement rather than my feelings when deciding whom I want to form a connection with.4
I’ll end this post with some words on my philosophical guidance practice!
It’s going well! It’s tricky to attune to so very different people, but I’m getting the hang of it! This Thursday at 17:30 I’ll guide a person in a live session, with several other participants witnessing.5 It’s going to be great!
If you want to join as the guided, or as a witness, feel free to reach out and I’ll send you a link (normally paywalled).
There are some slots open in December, you can book a session here:
Also, it’s my birthday! If you want to, I’d be really happy if you share this post with people. Hope you have a great day!
This was an idea I picked up when I interviewed my friends about their approach to relating and forming connections with others.
Have I developed an approach to 36 questions myself? https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0146167297234003
Giving emotions a primary role in life decisions is a mistake in my opinion. Sensing what partner is best for you is an ideal birthed by romanticism, questionable advice to say the least.
Being my own parent when arranging marriages :D
I was scheduled for last week initially, but we decided to switch it up. So this week it is!
Happy birthday! That's a really interesting idea, which I hope to try out soon!