Zombie me

Optimizing the lows

I want to learn while I write. A lot of my previous posts have been me presenting an idea or an opinion. In some places, I’ve made connections that weren’t there before, but a lot of it is just sharing things I’ve already been thinking about.

Sharing what’s already been worked on isn’t going to help me navigate further in life. So this post will be of another flavour, improvising as I go along. I’ll start by trying to sense into what’s existentially salient to me right now.

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I want to write about self-care. I’ve been sick 2 times recently, spending a lot of time doing nothing. The days after I get better, I feel super energic & alert. It might be that I’m just comparatively better, but I have a sense that I’m actually much more capable & happy.

Have I rediscovered that it’s important to rest & take care of myself? Sounds like of those “duh” insights. The reason they are “duh” is because they are fairly obvious on a conceptual level, which is why I’d like to take some time and sense into what taking care of myself on an existential level even means.

I have an enormous “do-energy”, that is longing to get active and involve myself with things. This feels like a mix of powerfulness and curiosity. Being in this flow is awesome, but sometimes it turns habitual. When it does, I’m not doing things for the joy of doing, instead, I act in a non-mindful way.

In this state, I feel restless and tired. I bring up my todo-list in a subconscious move, and sit down to work on some task, without putting my heart into it. Doing then becomes boring, a rote task to just perform, like a cog in my own machine.

An extreme version of this is what my partner calls “zombie-mode”. Zombie mode occurs when I have things that needs to be solved while I’m hungry, past my bedtime, sick or similar. What happens is that I go into a hyper-focused, barely verbal state of problem solving. I’ve marched several kilometers through Budapest looking for accomodation in this state.

I think that the correct approach to tiredness is to use zombie-like approaches when they are needed and postpone non-critical tasks in order to rest. The main problem here is that zombies lack introspection. When I’m mindful, it’s very easy to say “yes, I’ll just rest when I’m tired and lack energy”, but zombie-me is notoriously bad at sensing into its own body and needs.

I have recurring reminders to make sure that I introspect about the long-term trajectory of my emotional state. Put more simply, twice a week I get a notification on my mobile that reminds me to introspect and write down how I’m doing currently. This is a good way to catch gradual declines in happiness levels and make sure that I take steps to take care of myself (I’ve got a “blues checklist” with things to do when feeling down).

Zombie-like states tend to be more ephemeral though, coming and going throughout the day. One solution is to work more on my mindfulness through meditation & Alexander technique. Self-love seems related too: let’s keep doing metta meditation. Unfortunately, all of those are long-term solutions, and I’m curious about whether there’s a short term fix.

So, what do I need? Some method of interrupting non-necessary zombie-like states, and rest instead of continuing to push.

Here are some ideas:

• Idea: A shoulder advisor, to ask myself if I’m loving what’s going on?

  Comment: Long-term, unfortunately, but interesting

• Idea: A daily notification that pops up at 20:00 when I’m home?
  Comment: Risky! Zombie-me might see this as an obligation!

  • Idea: Monthly relaxation review to check if the reminder system works out as it should. Time to iterate on the wording.
    Comment: We can try, but throw it out if it turns into an obligation!

• Idea: Putting a note at the top of my todo-list, asking if I’m doing out of joy?
  Comment: Do! Unlikely to be harmful, located in a hotspot.

• Idea: A relaxation suggestion list? Zombie-me likes to watch hectic stuff on youtube, not optimal for resting.
  Comment: Yes! Remove if unused. Reminders to check in with yourself can point to this

• Idea: Edit your digital blocks (blocking specific apps, sites etc) to ask you to look that the relaxation list.
  Comment: Great idea! Distraction-seeking behaviour is tightly connected to zombie states.

Let’s see how that works out.

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Update: I decided to skip the daily question. Might add later if relevant (added a reminder to introspect about it)