Reframing Vulnerability Hangovers

Post-Vulnerability Soreness

There are waves of tension moving over my chest area. I’ve just been exceptionally honest, and have a “vulnerability hangover”. I recognize this state from back when I started attending vulnerable events. It’s close to guilt/shame, a self-imposed groundless critique that easily slips into rumination and anxiety. Self-care is advised.

The context is complicated. It’s about me, this woman, and communicating desires. Everything we do is heavily meta-communicated and consented. I won’t go into details — creating a mess by trying to explain something complicated and subtle. Instead, I will focus on my current experience and vulnerability hangovers.

Similar to normal hangovers, I feel a bit “wrung out”, emotionally sore and tired. It’s the lingering sensation of drunken couch-sleeping. A hint of sadness appears at the edges of conscious awareness, like an ocean beyond a pane of glass.

There is a region of behaviour that is outside societal norms, while still being ethical, kind and appreciated. Moving through this area requires training, with internalized norms trying to enforce obedience through suppressive shame-laden value judgements. Every time I move outside the bounds of norms, I train myself to become less blocked by them.

If I take an unusually daring step, my conditioning kicks in after the fact, leading to vulnerability hangover. This hangover is similar to sore muscles after exercising — maybe “hangover” is too negative a term? The shame-tinted self-judgement likes the negativity, but I’m not willing to play along.

Some people share in unhealthy ways, as a cope. Others share without regard for their own needs, damaging themselves in the process. Similar to post-exercise soreness, my post-vulnerability soreness signals I’ve pushed myself hard. Similar to post-exercise soreness, post-vulnerability soreness might be OK sometimes. I don’t think I went too far, no matter what my anxious ruminations are trying to tell me.

If I accept the self-judgement, I strengthen the shame-response. This is a real risk of post-vulnerability soreness. As a Stoic, I reject the idea that strong sharings themselves are hurtful, even if they evoke a delayed onset vulnerability soreness. All judgements stem from how we relate to things — judgements are not based on the things themselves. By refusing to judge myself after the fact, I don’t let the vulnerability-soreness damage me. The soreness is, in itself, an opportunity to engage in second-order skillfulness.

“The impediment to action advances action, what stands in the way becomes the way.”
- Marcus Aurelius

At the point of vulnerability, I felt light, clear and powerful. I won’t go down the path of rumination, telling myself I did wrong. I might have been uncalibrated, acting in sub-optimal ways. This is fine — getting calibrated is easier if I allow myself to fuck up.

I leaned into courage, expressed myself honestly, acted with integrity and challenged my shame. No matter the outcome, I am happy with the action. I acted in accordance with virtue, training myself to become more like the person I want to be.

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Here are some other posts about Vulnerability Hangovers:

• Anju Joy
  - When Can Vulnerability Backfire?

• Vanessa McGowan
  - Vulnerability Hangover

• Clare Egan
  - On publishing + vulnerability hangovers

• Katie Rickson
  - Vulnerability hangovers

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P.S: My philosophical guidance practice is growing! People are generally very happy, and I love supporting others in introspective philosophical inquiries. If you have an important problem you struggle to make sense of, I’d love to inquire with you. If you are unsure whether your problem is a good fit, please send me a message :)